Our story: our Rainbow

After you have lost a child, there is often a driving force inside you that wants to get pregnant as soon as possible. Not to replace the child you’ve lost but to ‘right the wrong’ of the last pregnancy. For medical reasons we couldn’t, and on reflection I’m glad we had to wait. (There’s a whole other blog post on that).

We had two very early miscarriages but then last July, we found out we were pregnant again. Our amazing Fetal Medicine Team swooped in and gave us amazing care right from the very start. I was on daily medication and injections to try and ensure we wouldn’t go through the same heartbreak again.

Just as with our first pregnancy, every day felt like an eternity. I couldn’t wait until I felt the baby moved, and then I spent every day paranoid and worried he hadn’t moved enough.

But slowly we got passed significant milestones, points where it had lurched from bad to worse to horrific with our last pregnancy. On difficult days I remembered our eldest, and his bravery gave me the strength to continue.

At 36 weeks the decision was made to deliver. Another C-section in the same theatre, and at almost the same time of day. But instead of my son being whisked off to neonatal and hushed whispers about his weight, this time he was placed on my chest. My partner and I looked at each other with pure joy, and both breathed out for the first time in eight months.

Our journey as rainbow parents was just beginning…..

Our story of loss

When I got pregnant in 2011, I knew things didn’t always go to plan. Family and friends had experienced difficulties, but, you know, it wouldn’t happen to us. That happened in soaps or to other people….

It wasn’t long after our first scan that it became apparent that something wasn’t quite right. It took weeks of scans and tests before a diagnosis was made. We were told there were a range of outcomes, which covered the spectrum of; a stillbirth, prematurity, disability or everything being fine (most unlikely outcome). All we could do was hope the baby would survive until he was big and old enough to be delivered.

He was such a fighter that after weeks of worry, hospital stays, scans, consultations and heart traces, he was still there and it was time to deliver.

We were advised he may not survive the delivery, so it was the happiest moment of my life to be told he was alive.

We shared precious days with him, but he got sicker and sicker. He was very small and the time came for him to be put in our arms to pass away. It was the first time we held him. Nothing prepares you for that, or for the sadness that it will also be the only time you will hold them alive.

I remember every moment of his life, but after we left that hospital empty armed, my memory fails me. I only have fleeting moments of memories for months. Although everything that involved our son, such as visiting him and his funeral are etched in my memory. I don’t dwell on that first year of grief, as it was simply the worse of my life.

First time blogger reporting for duty.

Of course, what the world needs is another Mummy blogger….but my story is a bit different. I want to blog about life as a Rainbow Mam. Sometimes it will be just the same as any other Mam, but there are specific challenges which come with bringing up a baby after a loss, and I want to talk about those.

After losing my son in 2012, I debated blogging, but I didn’t have the strength or energy. Now, having had my Rainbow earlier this year, I feel I can.

So that’s me, a first time Mam blogger reporting for duty!